Monday, March 15, 2010

God Loves the Delicious Taste

God Loves the DELICIOUS Taste

The gentleman in the photo above purports that God loves the delicious taste of a particular brand of macaroni and cheese. But does God? There are, thankfully, a limited number of possibilities.

In this week’s article, I’ll examine just that.

God Loves

As anyone who is sensible and aware of the Bible knows, the list of things God hates is rather short. Lying lips and Esau are the most obvious parts, but we’re pretty sure the part about Esau was facetious. Because we’re sensible.

If you don’t put beef in your ‘mac, even most of the stricter folks wouldn’t claim God even disliked this brand of ‘mac.

Furthermore, thousands of U.S. Protestants and Catholics eat this brand of ‘mac every week. What more evidence do you need?

God Is OK With

I won’t argue with those who say that God doesn’t hate this brand of ‘mac. They mean well, and I’m pretty sure God saves hate for things really deserving of it. Like hippies, Liberals, people who help the poor, health care, and Keith Olbermann.

But does God really love this brand?

Well, let’s think about it. There’s pretend cheese in this brand. A lot of recipes made by people raised on this brand of ‘mac call for “cheese product” with parenthetical explanations about what they mean. “Cheese product” is made by the same company. Fake cheese. Faaaake.

God doesn’t hate fakes. Jesus let his disciples use bread and wine in lieu of a cannibalistic Last Supper. But authenticity—where it won’t cause Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease—is clearly better. God is not a man that God should lie … or resort to fake cheese.

There’s a better way.

God Prefers

So, if God doesn’t actually love that brand of ‘mac, is there a brand of ‘mac that God loves?

On the same basis that most religious people interpret the will of God, God loves Grandma Sue’s macaroni and cheese. I’m still trying to find the recipe for that, but this one might not be too different.

Grandma Sue’s macaroni and cheese is the best ‘mac. Obviously, God would love the best the most. So, God loves Grandma Sue’s ‘mac the best.

Is It OK to Go for Second Best?

This is one of the interesting theological questions that haunt young Evangelical Protestants in a different contexts.

Is this person you like a lot the one God wants you to marry? Would it be horrible if you marry them anyway and then it turns out they aren’t the one?

Really scary stuff when you’re fourteen or fifteen.

Since this is my article, I’ll use the same privilege to interpret the mind of God that everyone else does: sometimes what you really want is that one chicken fast food restaurant that’s not open on Sunday but it’s Sunday. Just because you want that one place and can’t have it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t eat some at some other chicken place.

It won’t be what you’re craving, but it’s not like you’re only allowed to eat at one chicken place.

Don’t use that excuse to cheat on your spouse. You’re only allowed one spouse. Until the gays accidentally allow polyamorous marriage.

APOCALYPSE! Just kidding.

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