Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Adventures of Capt. McClain (parts 1-3)

“They can chew on my wrist if my fist is down their throats.”
-Capt. McClain

I invented Capt. McClain for the express purpose of putting quotes in his mouth like the above. And then he took on a life of his own. Here are three drabbles I wrote on his life. Given the popularity of Capt. McClain’s adventures amongst my friends, it’s safe to expect more to be written eventually.

It's also safe to expect at least some of these will have swearing.


Capt. McClain was the envy of every sensible man and of several less sensible women.

Who could help but admire a man with the untamed sagacity to sharpen his bayonet on his teeth? Not to mention having the teeth to accomplish the task.

Very few envied his regimen. Getting up at three every morning to walk a dozen miles in lead-weighted trousers before milking the cows by just looking at them?

And that was the least substantial of his extraordinary chores.

What McClain did with the milk is a serious mystery. Mrs. McClain said he took his cereal with vinegar.

Update: This story has been featured on The Dribblecast, a community-run podcast made by fans of The Drabblecast, a podcast I mention here frequently. Forum member Phenopath did a brilliant read of it, which you can listen to here.


We should mention the great depths from which the tremendous man, Capt. McClain, climbed to reach such heights.

He was born the regular way. Imagine! Though he was bearded and five months early.

I won’t say he shot the doctor for slapping him. That would be absurd. He just enjoyed a cigar and scotch with his father.

He didn’t begin reading until the usual age. He finished learning in just three hours.

The lowest point in the Captain’s life was courtship. Though pretty women abounded, three turned his proposals down.

Maybe he shouldn’t have asked three women at one time.


When Capt. McClain turned sixteen, he was turned out of the house on the general principle that he wasn’t living there anyway.

If he’d been there for the event, we might know whether Capt. McClain would have understood his father’s actions.

Historians believe Mr. McClain was drunk at the time.

Shortly after the Captain was kicked out, the war began. It would be overly simplistic to say the Captain fought on this side or that. Capt. McClain’s primary interest was in kicking ass.

And what a fine amount of ass he kicked.

The records were amended to avoid military embarrassment.

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