Your mother and I hear you want to open your presents a mere five hours into the day on which we have allowed you to believe the savior was born.
No presents will be opened before our family’s traditional hour, noon, for appropriate consciousness on that most sacred day.
We are not cruel parents. Our yearly hangover is essential to the holiday and not a symptom of regret at our having so many children.
The truth is … this year, Santa used UPS for some present delivery. The wretched UPS tracking shows that your presents are still in the south pole.