Saturday, March 22, 2008

Bshullitarian Bullwa on the Exclamation Point

I originally wrote this September 26, 2007. Keeping with tradition, I will tell you one thing about this without bribes. Jahoclave, mentioned in this post, is the guy who does the excessively hilarious One Hour Parking Show which I link to in the "More Awesome Than Me" box to the left right hand side of your screen.

Bshullitarian Bullwa on the Exclamation Point
Issued by Saint Eve
Preemptively Approved by His Holiness Jahoclave

Enough is enough. The saints of Bshullitarianism are not known for putting up with things. Not known at all for any such thing. Despite this well known fact, we have been putting up with the excesses of excessive punctuation. The guilty punctuation, for those who skipped the title, is the exclamation point.

There are few things in modern society which are exciting or dangerous enough to warrant the use of such punctuation, and yet we find that this has not hampered the expansion of this punctuation's territory. This once terrifying, and emotion-inducing mark has lately been used for the most insipid and banal of reasons.

The inappropriate use of the exclamation is akin to running into a house and shouting in terrifying tones "hurry, it's an emergency," waiting for the residents to converge, and when they have arrived to assist with whatever dreadful thing you must tell them, you inform them that an ice cream truck will be coming soon.

There are no exciting incidents of laughing out loud. There are no dangerous "fire" sales. No one will die over the contents of your next e-mail, instant message, or SMS. Installing your router without using the configuration CD will not prevent moral rectitude, enlightenment, or a fulfilling sex-life.

Using the exclamation point unnecessarily brings false hope to the modern soul. Whoever desires to find something of value, interest, or danger to soothe the oppressive normality which surrounds and penetrates us incessantly is taken in by the exclamation. This false hope - as all hope false or true must do - shall die. Today, the false hope brought by the exclamation point dies.

Authorized by His Holiness, Jahoclave, the exclamation point is forbidden until further notice. No Saint shall use it, and the unSaints who use it shall be forbidden chocolate, sex, kittens, and puppies until they repent of their sins.

The darkest and most vile depths of Washington, DC are reserved for those who continue to use it.

Comma, beware. We know what you have been up to, and we will not tolerate further excesses. Your loose living and frequently unnecessary presence put you in grave danger of being the target of our next bullwa.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I concur! In college, I got a point deducted for every missing comma. So, for a better grade, I learned to sprinkle them everywhere. I never got points deducted for extra commas! I've gotta break that habit, for sure. -Allen