Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Toilet Seat Communism

I wrote this on July 7, 2007. I've made a few formatting changes and added a postscript, but haven't made any other changes. Enjoy!

Of all the philosophical debates that the great minds contemplate, the one that has the most immediate impact on our society is the Toilet Seat Position debate. I have a new solution which may finally end the debate once and for all. A refresher: should the toilet seat go up or down after use?

Usually, the argument is divided along gender lines with women taking the position that the toilet seat should always be in the down position when leaving the bathroom. Men generally argue that the toilet seat should remain up, or in the position most useful to the person who last used it.

To this day, the men have been losing this argument.

Today, I trump both positions with a new position in which toilet seat inconvenience will be shared evenly amongst all affected parties.

My solution is this: since residential toilets have a lid, the lid should be put down on the toilet after each use. Men will have to lift the seat while using the toilet, and then put it down after they are finished. Women will have to lift the lid and put it back down after they are finished.

I call this position “Toilet Seat Communism.”

I have been subtlety practicing this doctrine for a few weeks in my own house, and no one seems to have noticed the difference. I should add that the “seat down” position had been the previous victor in the Toilet Seat Position debate in this house prior to my campaign. Now, everyone has to lift something in order to use the toilet, and no one has to look at the ugly innards of the toilet.

To further bolster my position, I suggest that the lid and seat combination be made air-tight to cut down on the amount of toilet water lost to evaporation. Toilet Seat Communism is not only the most equitable solution to the issue, it is also the environmentally friendly position.

Despite my tongue-in-cheek manner, I am totally serious.

P.S. Sort of.

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